Letters to Freedom: From Fear to Love to Grace,
A Memoir of Grief and Relationship

Grief has taken me on a magical mystery ride for the past fifty years.

Losing my father at age eleven; my marriage and eventually my children in my thirty’s and forty’s; then other losses—friends, relationships, jobs, homes, pets and a lot of other stuff.

Finally in my 50s, I meet the man of my dreams–Laurence Freedom. He stole my heart and helped me love in a way I was never able to do before. With him I felt safe. I knew he would never leave me.

Two years after our first date he died. The same way that my father had died forty-seven-years prior. A sudden heart attack. Bodies found on the living room floor with hands across the chest.

Laurence promised he would never leave me. He promised to help me heal.

All I could do after he did, was write the stories. They belonged somewhere.

I needed to grieve differently from the eleven-year-old girl who had to go back to school and forget about her father. After all, “he was in Heaven” they said. That was a happy place I was told. Why couldn’t I go there?

I went to graduate school to learn how to help people to grieve, and also to learn how children develop emotionally. One thing I remember about grief is that we have to tell the story at least one hundred times before we can begin to move on to an acceptance (of sorts.)

So I sat down night after night for many, many months remembering, writing and dripping tears on the keyboard. My computer was my new best friend.

I thought I knew grief. What did I know?

I learned that losing a beloved hurts like hell. I accepted that I still don’t know what happens after people die.

My current destination on this magical mystery ride is grace. I had to travel through fear to find love. And, then there was more. A grace that transcends understanding. A willingness to live the mystery and trust the process. Knowing I am never alone, and I am enough.

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are,

but does not leave us where it found us.” Anne Lamott